Taking a step in the right direction
So I’ve been practicing trust these past few days. I spoke to my husband this weekend about a few things, instead of assuming that he wouldn’t understand and that I’d walk away more upset than when I started. My little show of faith was rewarded by DH’s warm concern and support and I was reminded that it is my own fault that I do not have an intimate relationship with anyone. I am so accustomed to pulling in close to myself that I find I don’t share even the most basic information with most people in my life. I didn’t tell my mom that I had last week off from work, even though I spoke to her right before my first vacation day. I didn’t tell my closest friend about my worries for my daughter, even though we’ve had lunch together the last two days. In fact, I haven’t even discussed it with DH. He has shown himself time and again to be my steadfast supporter, yet I continue to hold him at arm’s length. Often, I find that I have censored myself to such an extreme that I don’t even have small talk to offer to an acquaintance at work. It is no wonder that I am not close to anyone and that I feel ostracized in most social situations. I bring it on myself!
With that being said, it is very hard to go through life without acknowledging the devastating events that have shaped me and my family into who we are today. It is almost impossible to talk candidly about my concerns for my daughter’s well-being without also acknowledging her experience at the hands of her step-father, and my personal feelings of failure for not protecting her from what happened. There are very, very few people that know what has happened and an even few number that are categorically supportive of me and my daughter and who give me helpful, loving feedback. I tend to think that any conversation about a sensitive topic such as my daughter’s struggle to find her way as a newly minted adult are pointless, if I can’t even be honest about what exactly the challenges are that she faces. It feels deceitful, really, to converse with a well-meaning acquaintance about something like that, to accept their friendly feedback, knowing that it doesn’t exactly apply because of things I am not sharing. It makes me very uncomfortable.
I often think that I must be living in the past, to feel this way. Why can’t I address the events of today without constantly looking backward? Why can’t I be like my mother, who thinks such family secrets are nobody’s business and who is beloved by everyone that meets her? I suppose it’s because, as an introspective introvert, I am uninterested in casual relationships. I’m not good at the everyday small talk that binds people together on a superficial level. I am fine on my own and when I need interaction with others, I crave a true connection where I know and am known at the molecular level. And because I DO feel affected, daily, by the events of the past. I am very much trying to manage the aftermath. I suppose there have been times in my life where I shoved this stuff to the side, and that I can point to that as evidence that I don’t live in the past. The problem is, I haven’t properly healed from it all. I’ve tried to slide through life doing things piecemeal and as a result, I’m screwy. I can’t leave it all behind because I’m not done with it.
For the time being, I am going to continue testing the waters, investing trust in those that I know well and love. It’s a step in the right direction.
Add comment May 12, 2009
shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, incest, incest survivor, inner child, therapy, Trust
I am untrustworthy
I have been afraid. I started this blog thinking that perhaps my experiences could help someone else. After making a few posts public, however, I got cold feet. What made me think that anything I had to say would be useful to someone else? What if people judged me? I’m such a messed up person, maybe I would make things worse rather than better in the world. I felt ashamed for even having the idea and decided there isn’t anything worthwhile to be gained from speaking out. I envisioned myself continually checking to see if anyone out there was reading and the devastation I would feel that absolutely no one is listening. I also envisioned many people reading what I wrote and making hurtful comments. That people would hear but still not care. So I tucked the I’ll-make-a-blog idea into the back of my mind, ashamed that I don’t have the stones to do what I want to do.
Today I was reading the March 2009 Oprah magazine and the articles about trust. My aha! moment was realizing that I don’t trust anyone any more. I suppose I knew that in a simplistic sense but I hadn’t realized how pervasive my distrust is and exactly how much I have lost by nurturing that distrust. I hold my husband at arm’s length because I don’t trust him to understand me, to respond to me in a helpful way, or to not be repulsed by what he learns about me if I do open up. I don’t trust that my close friends are interested in me and that they enjoy my company. I don’t trust my children to be happy and healthy and whole, because I know it is flawed me that is raising them. When I feel the blossoming of hope when the opportunity for a new friendship presents itself, I don’t trust myself to hide my history and I don’t trust that, if I do open up a bit, the potential friend will refrain from judging me and my decisions. I now operate on a solely defensive strategy to get through my days.
It is lonely here.
Sometimes the ache in my heart and in the pit of my stomach feels so yawningly deep that I fear I will never feel anything else. Most of the time I go through the motions of life and it is rare that my authentic self makes an appearance these days. The article by Martha Beck, Who’s Never Going to Let You Down, helped me realize that I lie all the time, to myself and to everyone around me. The embarrassment that I feel over my true thoughts and feelings manifests itself in my constant self-censoring. I know the way that I wish I was and I try, all day long, to project that thing-I-wish-I-was as ME and to mask the actual reality of myself. At work, I want to be calm, collected, efficient and mature. Sometimes I am but often I am clenching my teeth, doing deep-breathing exercises, and reminding myself of what I want to project to others. At home, I am not well controlled in my emotions but I am still very closed in and withdrawn. I approach my true self at times when I am with my children, but even then it is only sporadic. With my daughter especially, I am always very actively trying to give her everything a young woman needs from her mother while not overstepping my boundaries. Is that authentically me? I don’t know. It is my authentic wish to give her what I give her, but often it does not come naturally. In fact, as I sit here and reflect, there is little that I do that comes naturally. Mostly I’m trying, trying, trying to be who I am not. I don’t think I can learn to trust others until I am trustworthy.
I am stopping today. Today I am who I am. Unpredictable, worried, grieving, lazy, determined, uptight, passionate, silly, too serious. I am all those things and many, many more. What I will be no longer is a liar.
Add comment May 8, 2009
shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, incest survivor, inner child, therapy, Trust
I feel guilty because . . .
Debbie, my therapist, mentioned during a counseling session last September that almost everything I talk about is steeped in guilt. I thought about it and she is right. I feel guilty to even exist. There are so many times in a day that I re-think whatever it is that I have just done. I dwell on minutia to a ridiculous extent and feel guilt for whatever it is that I think that I did, and then feel this anxious need somehow correct it. This often happens during conversations with other people. A small example of something that happened this week, while I was at work:
Boss: Melisa, you should have sent both of these jobs with the runner so we could have saved a fee.
Me: Well, one was due at the court yesterday so I sent that one right then. This one isn’t due til tomorrow and we didn’t have it ready yet, so that’s why it’s being sent separately. Usually you’re telling me that I shouldn’t work around the runner’s schedule! Now you’re mad because I didn’t send them both at once!
Boss: It’s not a big deal, we could’ve just saved some money. We should be thinking ahead and planning a little better.
I walked away from that little exchange and mulled it over and over in my head. I felt righteous anger because I have spent the last 3 years hearing the phrase “I won’t run my law practice based on what a runner can and can’t do!” coming out of my boss’s mouth — he’s never mentioned a fee before! We’re always doing things last minute! But the anger quickly turned to shame and guilt as I thought of the strident tone in my voice and how he has been telling me lately that I’ve been too defensive. Oh boy, I started thinking, now I’ve really messed it up! Now my boss thinks I am just wasting his money and I don’t have the firm’s best interests at heart! Now I’ve gone and done it again, opened my big fat mouth, been unpleasant and rude and hateful and embarrassed myself. I was defensive and I’m no fun to be around and I waste the firm’s money! I could not stop the voices in my head until I had found my boss and apologized, telling him that I would be sure to do a better job next time and that it certainly wasn’t my intention to be wasteful with his money.
Back in September, when Debbie mentioned my “guilt complex” she asked me to make a list of what I feel guilty about. Here’s what I started with. I stopped where I did but I could have gone on forever. The list is fresh and new every day, but I suppose these are old friends that never go away.
1. I’m alive
2. I married a man that sexually abused my daughter.
3. I married a man that wasn’t faithful and then divorced him, so my daughter didn’t grow up with her nuclear family.
4. I divorced my son’s dad so he isn’t growing up with his nuclear family.
5. I don’t keep my house clean enough.
6. I don’t keep track of my money well enough.
7. I keep gaining weight.
8. I got Crohn’s disease because I’m such a nervous dysfunctional person.
9. I don’t spend enough time doing things with my son and daughter.
10. I let my son play video games too much.
11. He doesn’t have enough chores.
12. I complain about the dog.
13. I create tension in the house.
14. I expect too much from DH.
15. I make DH feel criticized.
16. I let the coke run out in the fridge.
17. I have food in my freezer that we haven’t eaten yet, and I keep buying new food.
18. I don’t tend to the landscaping as well as I should.
19. I am not patient with the dog.
20. My daughter had some very difficult teenage years because of me.
21. I check my email when I’m supposed to be working.
22. I don’t do things to better the lives of people outside my small family
23. I don’t keep up with my friends enough.
24. I missed grandma’s birthday.
25. I keep focusing on things that happened 30 years ago instead of living life today.
26. I blame my mom for what my dad did.
27. I don’t want to see my mom.
28. I expect too much from my brother.
29. My behavior at home is erratic and unpredictable.
30. It’s hard to stay focused at work.
31. I spend too much money on lunch and should bring something from home more often.
32. I spend money on my hair and nails and therapy when DH isn’t spending money on extras.
33. I don’t always prepare healthy balanced meals.
34. I’m selfish and childish.
35. I want my chair all to myself.
36. I need too much.
37. I’ve ruined every family I’ve been a part of.
38. I’m not involved enough in my daughter’s schoolwork.
39. I don’t take my son on field trips or attend school functions during the day.
40. I procrastinate.
41. I haven’t done what I’m supposed to do to move my therapy along.
42. I have a cozy house with running water, electricity, plumbing, and all the amenities I could wish for, while there are so many people in the world who are uncomfortable.
43. I have an overabundance of food and I throw food away instead of eating it.
44. I don’t recycle.
45. I generate at least one garbage bag full of garbage every day.
46. I’m too distracted when interacting with the kids.
47. I want to be alone too much.
48. I selfishly remarried even though I promised myself I would never bring a man into my home until my kids were grown and gone.
Add comment July 9, 2008
shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, incest, incest survivor
This isn’t old news
Mom,
I keep imagining that you must think that I should just get over my childhood already. For god’s sake, I’ll be 40 this year! It was so long ago! More of my life has been as an adult than as a child! Just forget about it, stop blaming my life on my parents, stop making things up and making excuses. Just stop.
But you’re wrong, mom. This isn’t old news. Remember when my husband molested my daughter, mom? I found that out in July 2003. Not all that long ago, really. The week of the 7th, to be exact. I spent that entire next year going through criminal court proceedings. Child protective services interviewing DS at school and at home. DD being interviewed at a facility in Howell. Divorce. Lots of court hearings. That period of time in my life was so terrifying, and there are moments that I remember so vividly that it is as if they were yesterday. Leaving work early in an absolute panic because I was convinced that the Department of Human Services would be showing up on my doorstep to take away DD and DS because I was an unfit mother. I raced home and began mowing the lawn frantically, somehow certain that an unkempt lawn would be a sign of an unsuitable home. The humiliation of talking to two attorneys at the office to get their advice so I could figure out how to protect myself and the children. Opening a separate bank account, having a garage sale, returning items that I’d recently purchased, so I could get a little money in the bank in case of an emergency. The crushing anxiety and terror, the weight of responsibility for allowing this to happen to my daughter. The love I felt for EX and confusion because I didn’t instantly hate him. The resentment towards DD, and the hope that somehow I could fix the marriage and pretend none of it ever happened, that quickly turned to shame. Shame becoming the overpowering emotion that fills me to this day, shame and guilt that I embrace as deserved for allowing this to happen. These feelings now feel like home to me and I don’t even want to let them go.
I started writing about all the things I remember you not doing for me, but honestly maybe I’m not right about that so I erased them. I know we talked a little during that time. I remember feeling very offended that you would ask me how EX was doing — why weren’t you and dad ready to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law for what he had done to your granddaughter and daughter? Why did you give a rat’s ass how he was? I remember trying to talk to you once, just once, about how the situation was all the more difficult because I’d been molested by dad, and you said to me:
- but I thought you said those were false memories, that you weren’t really sure?
- but I thought there was just the once?
- but I thought it was just that once or twice when he was on the pain medication when he hurt his back?
- why didn’t you tell me when it happened?
- it’s not really his fault because you know he was molested when he was a boy, right?
- well, your dad and I had a rough go for awhile after I found out what he did to you, but we worked it out and I really didn’t think it was any of your business what happened between he and I
- I didn’t really think I was making a choice between you and him
So maybe I’m heading down the wrong line of thinking here . . . I was getting myself all worked up into righteous indignation because I had to face it all alone, but maybe you did offer to help. I’m betting you did, really, make some sort of generic offers like “let me know if there’s anything I can do.” What kind of help could I accept from a woman who wasn’t willing to stand up for me? Really though, the bigger issue is, I deserved better. I deserved to have a mom and a dad who were in my corner 100%. DD deserved grandparents who screamed and hated her stepdad and who stood up in court and who cried on her behalf and who said what an outrage it was. I deserved to have my hand held in court. To have someone to lean on when my legs were shaking and I had to walk up to the podium and give our victim impact statement. I shouldn’t have been alone.
You and dad made me. And I am alone. I take responsibility for it now and am working on it, am always working on it. Always trying to be a better person. The trying gets really old though mom. I want you to know that I was alone from the very beginning, as a very little girl, and I don’t take responsibility for that. I was an isolated kindergartener that drew little sad faces in the sand and wrote my name under them, hoping someone would find them and ask me what was wrong. I stole things. I was hurting even then, mom, was very lonely and scared and without resources. Somehow I decided that if anyone cared they’d notice and I’ve gone a whole lifetime of no one noticing and mostly decided no one cares. As an adult I can see the flaw in that plan but you know, it shows up in everything I do and it’s hard to fight it every day. It’s hard to reach out when I assume someone would reach out to me if they wanted to. If they don’t, then they don’t want to. Seems logical. Keeps me lonely & distant I guess so it’s a bit of a self fulfilling prophesy. Thus I don’t get along so well in the world.
It’s late and I’m rambling but at least I’ve done it and said a bit of something so I’ll call it good for the night.
Add comment June 28, 2008
shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, incest, incest survivor
My brother is my hero
I have one sibling — my brother who is 21 months younger than I am. For years we have had a warm but distant relationship. He is aware of my “allegations” of abuse, but has not acknowledged what happened during our childhood since we became adults. He called me one day in January of this year and he talked to me. He told me that he loved me, that he supported me. That he believed me. He wanted to hear about my experience growing up with mom and dad as my parents. He apologized for never seeing what was happening. He apologized for ignoring it for so long.
More than that, he kept listening and he kept talking. He called me regularly for a few months after that, and was open to my questions and to my outpouring of emotions.
A letter to my brother:
Dear brother, you have given me the most beautiful gift. Acceptance, which is something I never, ever expected to find. I am so grateful for the time that you have given me and the love and support and willingness to listen with an open mind. Thank you for letting me tell you how angry I am at Mom, and for having my back. For letting me know that you love her, but don’t defend her actions.
I have always, always, always felt the odd man out in our family. Like the three of you were having a grand old time and there was me, the oddball weirdo crazy one in the corner making a mess. Now I am certain that’s true — that I was truly the odd man out — but what isn’t true is that I’m alone. That’s a story I’m officially throwing on the bonfire of banned books tonight.
And I’ll give a big old shout-out to Landmark Forum for bringing you to where you are today . . . I’ll admit to making a bit of fun of it over the years, of believing that it was a bunch of talk but maybe not much substance. Somehow, some way, right now, you and I are at a place where we can hear each other and that is a beautiful thing. You, my dear brother, have known me more than anyone else in this world right now except my mom. I’ve known forever that I’m not ever gonna get that mom-I-wish-for in my Christmas stocking, but my brother’s back again and I’m so excited. I’ve missed you. I’m so happy that you still like me. What a gift that you’ve given me!
Add comment January 25, 2008
shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, incest, incest survivor
I want DH to be my daddy
Home on the weekend, feeling very anxious and upset:
What’s the matter, Missy?
I feel sick to my stomach. I want to go home.
We are home. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on.
Nobody loves me. I am too much for DH to handle. I know he’s going to leave soon. I just know it.
But I thought you wanted him gone. I don’t understand.
I don’t want him to leave. I guess I keep thinking that if he that if he’s going to leave, I should be ready. Prepared. No one is ever really going to love me or stick around no matter what. I just know it.
Well Missy, I’m here. I will stay around no matter what. I’m not going anywhere and I never will. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are a good girl. It’s ok to not be perfect, to not reach all of your goals. It’s ok to try and not quite do it right all the time. You have such a good heart Missy. You are a good girl. You and me are going to be fine no matter what happens with DH. I promise.
But I want him to stay! I want him to be my daddy and make it all better. I want him to protect me and love me and tell me everything s going to be all right. I want him to make it all better. I’m just scared. Scared and lonely and worried and no one is ever going to love me and be a good person and stick around and treat me nice and not betray me. It is never going to happen. I just know it. He should just go now. I want him gone.
Missy, I don’t think he’s going anywhere. I guess he would if we asked, but I’m not going to ask him right now. We’ll think about it. I think you’ll feel differently in the morning, once you’ve had time to calm down.
Add comment December 19, 2007
shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, incest, incest survivor, inner child
Accountability
I struggle with this a lot mom, the idea of accountability. I want to be able to look myself in the eye and know that I’m not blaming my mistakes on you. Not hiding behind your skirts or letting my childhood be an excuse for my failures. That I’m not living in the past, that I am accountable for my own life and the paths that I have chosen.
Today I can confidently say that I do not live in the past. I am not standing here “making you wrong.” I really resent that Landmark Forum phrase and that you would ever use it in a sentence to me. I have made a life for myself that includes two beautiful children, and decisions that I am proud of. I have lived by my values. I have stood fast for what I believe in. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I live for today. And right now, today, there are many pieces of me that were formed as a child. The decisions that I have made are informed by what Missy learned as a little girl. That’s just a plain fact. I don’t live there but I do acknowledge that it’s true.
Driving home this evening, I was imagining what it might be like having a relationship with you and my brother after I’ve said my piece to you both. Will there be one big conversation that will get it all off my chest, then we’ll be back to life as it used to be, never mentioned again? Will I think of it every time I see your faces or hear your voices or get an email? I started to feel worried and afraid that maybe one conversation wouldn’t be enough, apologetic that maybe I couldn’t heal just with the once, and then I stopped myself. If you were my spouse and you cheated on me, if you wanted the marriage to be healed, you would listen to me as long as you needed to until the trust was re-built and that hurt was healed. So that’s what I expect from both of you. For you both to hear me as long as I need you to hear me. Until I’m done. And if you’re not up for that, it’s ok. Just understand that there won’t be a relationship between us any longer until I’m done. Missy will not undergo one more second of feeling invisible and unloved. If she needs to speak up, then she speaks up. I’ll make sure of it. Deal with it or leave.
Add comment November 30, 2007
shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, incest, incest survivor
Why do you hate the dog so much, Missy?
I don’t know. I see DH sitting on the couch right now, holding that fucking dog like she’s a baby or his lover, and it makes me sick inside. Truly sick. I feel anxious and upset and like I need to do something RIGHT NOW to make it stop. I hate that he loves that dog. I wish we never got her. I wish I had a life without another girl for DH to love.
Why does DH’s love for the dog make you feel threatened?
It just does, that’s why! Why didn’t you pick a boy dog? Why did you bring another girl into the house? I hate you!
I guess I didn’t think about it before we got her. I was thinking about how much I love my husband and how much he loves dogs. We’d already talked about how you and I feel about dogs and honestly, I thought it would be fine. I thought we’d be ships passing in the night and that he would train her properly and that her presence would be little. I was wrong. It never occurred to me to look for a boy animal rather than a girl animal. I certainly didn’t suggest the dog to hurt you or to make you feel bad.
Well I do feel bad. I hate coming home now. I want to drink or have a xanax every night now. I can’t ever relax! Whenever I think I want to sit down and have a quiet moment, THAT DOG is there. She’s either scratching or licking or chasing her tail or walking around and around and around. And if she’s not being noisy and bothersome, DH is sitting with her and stroking her like she’s ME! Like SHE’S his wife, not me. That dog makes the house stink. All the fucking furniture is fucking stinky and nasty and hairy and gross. And then he sits in OUR chair and I have to walk around waiting until he notices me and he gets up. But then he goes and sits on a couch and the FUCKER DOG sits with him and they’re making love again and I JUST HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PLACE! I WANT IT BACK THE WAY IT USED TO BE. JUST ME AND DD AND DS. NO ONE TO SCARE ME OR HURT ME OR MAKE ME FEEL BAD OR ANXIOUS. I WANT TO BE ALONE!!! WHY DID YOU GO AND GET MARRIED? AGAIN? IT’S JUST GOING TO TURN OUT HORRIBLE AGAIN. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?
I hear you, Missy. You do seem to get upset every time we’re home these days.
Ever since DH moved in. Even worse now that there’s that stupid ass dog.
You’re right. They’re not going to leave though, so we need to find a way to manage all this anxiety. DH is really a great guy. Not like Mike or EX. Not at all like them. He has never even ONCE made me suspicious that he’s lying about something. Do you realize what a big deal that is? I think we can trust him. I know you’re not ready to truly trust, but I want you to know that I think he’s one of the good ones. I don’t think he’s going to do anything to hurt us or the kids. I’ve been watching very closely and I haven’t seen anything that makes me alarmed. And you know how easy I over react! I do listen to you Missy, and I am very grateful that you pay attention to what’s going on. I want you to know that you’re safe. I’m paying attention and I take action whenever I believe there’s something threatening going on. You are safe. I want you to keep telling yourself:
I am safe.
My home is peaceful and full of love, trust, and honesty.
We’re going to be fine. DD and DS are fine. It’s ok.
Add comment November 17, 2007
shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, incest, incest survivor, inner child
The ABCs of Irrational Beliefs
Wikipedia does a great job explaining the basics of cognitive therapy, and specifically how one can use the ABCs of Irrational Beliefs to change your thinking and behavior:
“A major aid in cognitive therapy is what Albert Ellis called the ABC Technique of Irrational Beliefs.[1] The first three steps analyze the process by which a person has developed irrational beliefs and may be recorded in a three-column table.
- A – Activating Event or objective situation. The first column records the objective situation, that is, an event that ultimately leads to some type of high emotional response or negative dysfunctional thinking.
- B – Beliefs. In the second column, the client writes down the negative thoughts that occurred to him or her.
- C – Consequence. The third column is for the negative disturbed feelings and dysfunctional behaviors that ensued. The negative thoughts of the second column are seen as a connecting bridge between the situation and the distressing feelings. The third column C is next explained by describing emotions or negative thoughts that the client thinks are caused by A. These could be anger, sorrow, anxiety, etc.
For example, Gina is upset because she got a low mark on a math test. The Activating event, A, is that she failed her test. The Belief, B, is that she must have good grades or she is worthless. The Consequence, C, is that Gina feels depressed.
- Reframing. After irrational beliefs have been identified, the therapist will often work with the client in challenging the negative thoughts on the basis of evidence from the client’s experience by reframing it, meaning to re-interpret it in a more realistic light. This helps the client to develop more rational beliefs and healthy coping strategies.
From the example above, a therapist would help Gina realize that there is no evidence that she must have good grades to be worthwhile, or that getting bad grades is awful. She desires good grades, and it would be good to have them, but it hardly makes her worthless. If she realizes that getting bad grades is disappointing, but not awful, and that it means she is currently bad at math or at studying, but not as a person, she will feel sad or frustrated, but not depressed. The sadness and frustration are likely healthy negative emotions and may lead her to study harder from then on.”
Add comment November 6, 2007
shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, cognitive behavioral therapy, incest, incest survivor
Changing my B’s so my C’s are Healthier
My therapist suggested to me a few months ago that I begin analyzing my beliefs and challenging them using cognitive behavioral therapy. Wikipedia does a good job explaining CBT: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy
Essentially, when an event occurs, my beliefs — the thoughts that I have regarding the event — cause my emotional reaction to that event. In order to change my emotional reaction, it is necessary to challenge my beliefs and thoughts to create a better emotional response.
On Sunday, I felt very sluggish. I spent a rare day sitting around watching television for the most part. This made me feel slightly ashamed, but not enough to get up & change what I was doing. I did spend a good amount of time preparing several new dishes for dinner. DS didn’t care for the squash and rice, although he did try a bite of each, and he ended up only eating meat and drinking milk. DH stated that DS should eat more than just meat for his meal. I immediately felt defensive and angry and hurt, and told DH that it would be nice if he noticed the effort I put into dinner instead of criticizing my parenting. DH in turn got angry and said he said no such thing (which of course he hadn’t). I was able to calm down quickly and apologized and told him he was right, DS should eat more for dinner, and that my defensiveness stemmed from my fears for my children. He was kind and that was the end of the little altercation. I find myself puzzled though, about why I reacted so strongly to such a harmless comment by him, so I’m going to try and apply CBT to figure out how I can do better next time.
(A) Event: DH wanted DS to eat a fruit or veggie with dinner.
(B) Belief: I am a bad parent. I don’t feed my children well. I don’t pay enough attention to them. I am too lenient. I am lazy and should’ve done more to give DS something he likes. DS will have bad eating habits all of his life because of me.
(C) Emotional Consequence: Shame. Defensiveness. Anger. Shame shame shame.
Now in order to change the inappropriate emotional reaction I had to DH’s benign statement, I need to replace those (B) statements with healthy ones. Next time I start telling myself I’m a bad parent, I’m going to yell STOP and say this instead:
NEW (B) Belief: I am a good parent. DS and DD are strong and healthy and well fed with home-cooked meals.
Honestly, I’m a little skeptical how this is going to work. Intellectually it makes sense, that the way I talk to myself results in the emotional feelings that I have. The complication is that most of the time, when I’m berating myself like this, I don’t even want to stop. I believe I deserve it and there isn’t any part of me that wants to make myself feel better. I believe the things I’m saying to myself. I suppose that’s where the affirmations come in — I need to say affirmations to myself over and over again, with faith that at some point they will feel real.
Add comment November 6, 2007
shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, cognitive behavioral therapy, incest, incest survivor, therapy
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