This isn’t old news

June 28, 2008 shesgotsisu
Tags: child sexual abuse, incest, incest survivor

Mom,

I keep imagining that you must think that I should just get over my childhood already. For god’s sake, I’ll be 40 this year! It was so long ago! More of my life has been as an adult than as a child! Just forget about it, stop blaming my life on my parents, stop making things up and making excuses. Just stop.

But you’re wrong, mom. This isn’t old news. Remember when my husband molested my daughter, mom? I found that out in July 2003. Not all that long ago, really. The week of the 7th, to be exact. I spent that entire next year going through criminal court proceedings. Child protective services interviewing DS at school and at home. DD being interviewed at a facility in Howell. Divorce. Lots of court hearings. That period of time in my life was so terrifying, and there are moments that I remember so vividly that it is as if they were yesterday. Leaving work early in an absolute panic because I was convinced that the Department of Human Services would be showing up on my doorstep to take away DD and DS because I was an unfit mother. I raced home and began mowing the lawn frantically, somehow certain that an unkempt lawn would be a sign of an unsuitable home. The humiliation of talking to two attorneys at the office to get their advice so I could figure out how to protect myself and the children. Opening a separate bank account, having a garage sale, returning items that I’d recently purchased, so I could get a little money in the bank in case of an emergency. The crushing anxiety and terror, the weight of responsibility for allowing this to happen to my daughter. The love I felt for EX and confusion because I didn’t instantly hate him. The resentment towards DD, and the hope that somehow I could fix the marriage and pretend none of it ever happened, that quickly turned to shame. Shame becoming the overpowering emotion that fills me to this day, shame and guilt that I embrace as deserved for allowing this to happen. These feelings now feel like home to me and I don’t even want to let them go.

I started writing about all the things I remember you not doing for me, but honestly maybe I’m not right about that so I erased them. I know we talked a little during that time. I remember feeling very offended that you would ask me how EX was doing — why weren’t you and dad ready to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law for what he had done to your granddaughter and daughter? Why did you give a rat’s ass how he was? I remember trying to talk to you once, just once, about how the situation was all the more difficult because I’d been molested by dad, and you said to me:

• but I thought you said those were false memories, that you weren’t really sure?
• but I thought there was just the once?
• but I thought it was just that once or twice when he was on the pain medication when he hurt his back?
• why didn’t you tell me when it happened?
• it’s not really his fault because you know he was molested when he was a boy, right?
• well, your dad and I had a rough go for awhile after I found out what he did to you, but we worked it out and I really didn’t think it was any of your business what happened between he and I
• I didn’t really think I was making a choice between you and him

So maybe I’m heading down the wrong line of thinking here . . . I was getting myself all worked up into righteous indignation because I had to face it all alone, but maybe you did offer to help. I’m betting you did, really, make some sort of generic offers like “let me know if there’s anything I can do.” What kind of help could I accept from a woman who wasn’t willing to stand up for me? Really though, the bigger issue is, I deserved better. I deserved to have a mom and a dad who were in my corner 100%. DD deserved grandparents who screamed and hated her stepdad and who stood up in court and who cried on her behalf and who said what an outrage it was. I deserved to have my hand held in court. To have someone to lean on when my legs were shaking and I had to walk up to the podium and give our victim impact statement. I shouldn’t have been alone.

You and dad made me. And I am alone. I take responsibility for it now and am working on it, am always working on it. Always trying to be a better person. The trying gets really old though mom. I want you to know that I was alone from the very beginning, as a very little girl, and I don’t take responsibility for that. I was an isolated kindergartener that drew little sad faces in the sand and wrote my name under them, hoping someone would find them and ask me what was wrong. I stole things. I was hurting even then, mom, was very lonely and scared and without resources. Somehow I decided that if anyone cared they’d notice and I’ve gone a whole lifetime of no one noticing and mostly decided no one cares. As an adult I can see the flaw in that plan but you know, it shows up in everything I do and it’s hard to fight it every day. It’s hard to reach out when I assume someone would reach out to me if they wanted to. If they don’t, then they don’t want to. Seems logical. Keeps me lonely & distant I guess so it’s a bit of a self fulfilling prophesy. Thus I don’t get along so well in the world.

It’s late and I’m rambling but at least I’ve done it and said a bit of something so I’ll call it good for the night.

Entry Filed under: My mom,Relationships

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