Taking a step in the right direction

So I’ve been practicing trust these past few days. I spoke to my husband this weekend about a few things, instead of assuming that he wouldn’t understand and that I’d walk away more upset than when I started. My little show of faith was rewarded by DH’s warm concern and support and I was reminded that it is my own fault that I do not have an intimate relationship with anyone. I am so accustomed to pulling in close to myself that I find I don’t share even the most basic information with most people in my life. I didn’t tell my mom that I had last week off from work, even though I spoke to her right before my first vacation day. I didn’t tell my closest friend about my worries for my daughter, even though we’ve had lunch together the last two days. In fact, I haven’t even discussed it with DH. He has shown himself time and again to be my steadfast supporter, yet I continue to hold him at arm’s length. Often, I find that I have censored myself to such an extreme that I don’t even have small talk to offer to an acquaintance at work. It is no wonder that I am not close to anyone and that I feel ostracized in most social situations. I bring it on myself!

With that being said, it is very hard to go through life without acknowledging the devastating events that have shaped me and my family into who we are today. It is almost impossible to talk candidly about my concerns for my daughter’s well-being without also acknowledging her experience at the hands of her step-father, and my personal feelings of failure for not protecting her from what happened. There are very, very few people that know what has happened and an even few number that are categorically supportive of me and my daughter and who give me helpful, loving feedback. I tend to think that any conversation about a sensitive topic such as my daughter’s struggle to find her way as a newly minted adult are pointless, if I can’t even be honest about what exactly the challenges are that she faces. It feels deceitful, really, to converse with a well-meaning acquaintance about something like that, to accept their friendly feedback, knowing that it doesn’t exactly apply because of things I am not sharing. It makes me very uncomfortable.

I often think that I must be living in the past, to feel this way. Why can’t I address the events of today without constantly looking backward?  Why can’t I be like my mother, who thinks such family secrets are nobody’s business and who is beloved by everyone that meets her? I suppose it’s because, as an introspective introvert, I am uninterested in casual relationships. I’m not good at the everyday small talk that binds people together on a superficial level. I am fine on my own and when I need interaction with others, I crave a true connection where I know and am known at the molecular level. And because I DO feel affected, daily, by the events of the past. I am very much trying to manage the aftermath. I suppose there have been times in my life where I shoved this stuff to the side, and that I can point to that as evidence that I don’t live in the past. The problem is, I haven’t properly healed from it all. I’ve tried to slide through life doing things piecemeal and as a result, I’m screwy. I can’t leave it all behind because I’m not done with it.

For the time being, I am going to continue testing the waters, investing trust in those that I know well and love. It’s a step in the right direction.

Add a comment May 12, 2009

The ABCs of Irrational Beliefs

Wikipedia does a great job explaining the basics of cognitive therapy, and specifically how one can use the ABCs of Irrational Beliefs to change your thinking and behavior:

“A major aid in cognitive therapy is what Albert Ellis called the ABC Technique of Irrational Beliefs.^[1] The first three steps analyze the process by which a person has developed irrational beliefs and may be recorded in a three-column table.

• A – Activating Event or objective situation. The first column records the objective situation, that is, an event that ultimately leads to some type of high emotional response or negative dysfunctional thinking.

• B – Beliefs. In the second column, the client writes down the negative thoughts that occurred to him or her.

• C – Consequence. The third column is for the negative disturbed feelings and dysfunctional behaviors that ensued. The negative thoughts of the second column are seen as a connecting bridge between the situation and the distressing feelings. The third column C is next explained by describing emotions or negative thoughts that the client thinks are caused by A. These could be anger, sorrow, anxiety, etc.

For example, Gina is upset because she got a low mark on a math test. The Activating event, A, is that she failed her test. The Belief, B, is that she must have good grades or she is worthless. The Consequence, C, is that Gina feels depressed.

• Reframing. After irrational beliefs have been identified, the therapist will often work with the client in challenging the negative thoughts on the basis of evidence from the client’s experience by reframing it, meaning to re-interpret it in a more realistic light. This helps the client to develop more rational beliefs and healthy coping strategies.

From the example above, a therapist would help Gina realize that there is no evidence that she must have good grades to be worthwhile, or that getting bad grades is awful. She desires good grades, and it would be good to have them, but it hardly makes her worthless. If she realizes that getting bad grades is disappointing, but not awful, and that it means she is currently bad at math or at studying, but not as a person, she will feel sad or frustrated, but not depressed. The sadness and frustration are likely healthy negative emotions and may lead her to study harder from then on.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

Add a comment November 6, 2007

Changing my B’s so my C’s are Healthier

My therapist suggested to me a few months ago that I begin analyzing my beliefs and challenging them using cognitive behavioral therapy. Wikipedia does a good job explaining CBT: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

Essentially, when an event occurs, my beliefs — the thoughts that I have regarding the event — cause my emotional reaction to that event. In order to change my emotional reaction, it is necessary to challenge my beliefs and thoughts to create a better emotional response.

On Sunday, I felt very sluggish. I spent a rare day sitting around watching television for the most part. This made me feel slightly ashamed, but not enough to get up & change what I was doing. I did spend a good amount of time preparing several new dishes for dinner. DS didn’t care for the squash and rice, although he did try a bite of each, and he ended up only eating meat and drinking milk. DH stated that DS should eat more than just meat for his meal. I immediately felt defensive and angry and hurt, and told DH that it would be nice if he noticed the effort I put into dinner instead of criticizing my parenting. DH in turn got angry and said he said no such thing (which of course he hadn’t). I was able to calm down quickly and apologized and told him he was right, DS should eat more for dinner, and that my defensiveness stemmed from my fears for my children. He was kind and that was the end of the little altercation. I find myself puzzled though, about why I reacted so strongly to such a harmless comment by him, so I’m going to try and apply CBT to figure out how I can do better next time.

(A) Event: DH wanted DS to eat a fruit or veggie with dinner.

(B) Belief: I am a bad parent. I don’t feed my children well. I don’t pay enough attention to them. I am too lenient. I am lazy and should’ve done more to give DS something he likes. DS will have bad eating habits all of his life because of me.

(C) Emotional Consequence: Shame. Defensiveness. Anger. Shame shame shame.
Now in order to change the inappropriate emotional reaction I had to DH’s benign statement, I need to replace those (B) statements with healthy ones. Next time I start telling myself I’m a bad parent, I’m going to yell STOP and say this instead:

NEW (B) Belief: I am a good parent. DS and DD are strong and healthy and well fed with home-cooked meals.

Honestly, I’m a little skeptical how this is going to work. Intellectually it makes sense, that the way I talk to myself results in the emotional feelings that I have. The complication is that most of the time, when I’m berating myself like this, I don’t even want to stop. I believe I deserve it and there isn’t any part of me that wants to make myself feel better. I believe the things I’m saying to myself. I suppose that’s where the affirmations come in — I need to say affirmations to myself over and over again, with faith that at some point they will feel real.

Add a comment November 6, 2007

Affirmations aren’t only for Sissies

I hate affirmations. They sound goofy and like new-age insincere silliness. It is hard for me to say an affirmation with a spirit of conviction and truth. Intellectually though, I understand the value of affirmations and so I’ve come up with these, with my therapist’s help:

I give myself permission to express my emotions.

The healing process is important and I can take all the time I need.

It is ok to be me.

I have the right to say no.

I need to be loyal to myself.

My affirmations are meaningful.

I am not responsible for what happened in my family.

It is ok to speak the truth.

I am not responsible for other people’s feelings.

I am not invisible.

I do not have to pretend.

Breathe.

I will say only what I mean.

I can talk to my husband.

When I say these things to myself, Missy feels very grateful. She is happy that I do it even though it’s hard. And sometimes my husband says beautiful affirmations to me, from his heart straight to mine, and I feel such a sense of relief. Last night he gave me a huge hug and said “You are the best mother I know. You’re a great mom. You’re doing an awesome job.” Part of me argued back and said that my kids have been irreparably harmed because of me, but part of me felt comforted and safe. I guess Melisa doesn’t believe it but Missy felt happy.

Right now, I’m going to print these affirmations. I’ll take one home to tape to my bedroom wall, put one in my purse, and put another on my wall here at work. I need to say these affirmations daily to Missy, even when it’s hard to believe them.

Add a comment November 5, 2007