Taking a step in the right direction

So I’ve been practicing trust these past few days. I spoke to my husband this weekend about a few things, instead of assuming that he wouldn’t understand and that I’d walk away more upset than when I started. My little show of faith was rewarded by DH’s warm concern and support and I was reminded that it is my own fault that I do not have an intimate relationship with anyone. I am so accustomed to pulling in close to myself that I find I don’t share even the most basic information with most people in my life. I didn’t tell my mom that I had last week off from work, even though I spoke to her right before my first vacation day. I didn’t tell my closest friend about my worries for my daughter, even though we’ve had lunch together the last two days. In fact, I haven’t even discussed it with DH. He has shown himself time and again to be my steadfast supporter, yet I continue to hold him at arm’s length. Often, I find that I have censored myself to such an extreme that I don’t even have small talk to offer to an acquaintance at work. It is no wonder that I am not close to anyone and that I feel ostracized in most social situations. I bring it on myself!

With that being said, it is very hard to go through life without acknowledging the devastating events that have shaped me and my family into who we are today. It is almost impossible to talk candidly about my concerns for my daughter’s well-being without also acknowledging her experience at the hands of her step-father, and my personal feelings of failure for not protecting her from what happened. There are very, very few people that know what has happened and an even few number that are categorically supportive of me and my daughter and who give me helpful, loving feedback. I tend to think that any conversation about a sensitive topic such as my daughter’s struggle to find her way as a newly minted adult are pointless, if I can’t even be honest about what exactly the challenges are that she faces. It feels deceitful, really, to converse with a well-meaning acquaintance about something like that, to accept their friendly feedback, knowing that it doesn’t exactly apply because of things I am not sharing. It makes me very uncomfortable.

I often think that I must be living in the past, to feel this way. Why can’t I address the events of today without constantly looking backward?  Why can’t I be like my mother, who thinks such family secrets are nobody’s business and who is beloved by everyone that meets her? I suppose it’s because, as an introspective introvert, I am uninterested in casual relationships. I’m not good at the everyday small talk that binds people together on a superficial level. I am fine on my own and when I need interaction with others, I crave a true connection where I know and am known at the molecular level. And because I DO feel affected, daily, by the events of the past. I am very much trying to manage the aftermath. I suppose there have been times in my life where I shoved this stuff to the side, and that I can point to that as evidence that I don’t live in the past. The problem is, I haven’t properly healed from it all. I’ve tried to slide through life doing things piecemeal and as a result, I’m screwy. I can’t leave it all behind because I’m not done with it.

For the time being, I am going to continue testing the waters, investing trust in those that I know well and love. It’s a step in the right direction.

Add a comment May 12, 2009

I feel guilty because . . .

Debbie, my therapist, mentioned during a counseling session last September that almost everything I talk about is steeped in guilt. I thought about it and she is right. I feel guilty to even exist. There are so many times in a day that I re-think whatever it is that I have just done. I dwell on minutia to a ridiculous extent and feel guilt for whatever it is that I think that I did, and then feel this anxious need somehow correct it. This often happens during conversations with other people. A small example of something that happened this week, while I was at work:

Boss: Melisa, you should have sent both of these jobs with the runner so we could have saved a fee.

Me: Well, one was due at the court yesterday so I sent that one right then. This one isn’t due til tomorrow and we didn’t have it ready yet, so that’s why it’s being sent separately. Usually you’re telling me that I shouldn’t work around the runner’s schedule! Now you’re mad because I didn’t send them both at once!

Boss: It’s not a big deal, we could’ve just saved some money. We should be thinking ahead and planning a little better.

I walked away from that little exchange and mulled it over and over in my head. I felt righteous anger because I have spent the last 3 years hearing the phrase “I won’t run my law practice based on what a runner can and can’t do!” coming out of my boss’s mouth — he’s never mentioned a fee before! We’re always doing things last minute! But the anger quickly turned to shame and guilt as I thought of the strident tone in my voice and how he has been telling me lately that I’ve been too defensive. Oh boy, I started thinking, now I’ve really messed it up! Now my boss thinks I am just wasting his money and I don’t have the firm’s best interests at heart! Now I’ve gone and done it again, opened my big fat mouth, been unpleasant and rude and hateful and embarrassed myself. I was defensive and I’m no fun to be around and I waste the firm’s money! I could not stop the voices in my head until I had found my boss and apologized, telling him that I would be sure to do a better job next time and that it certainly wasn’t my intention to be wasteful with his money.

Back in September, when Debbie mentioned my “guilt complex” she asked me to make a list of what I feel guilty about. Here’s what I started with. I stopped where I did but I could have gone on forever. The list is fresh and new every day, but I suppose these are old friends that never go away.

1. I’m alive

2. I married a man that sexually abused my daughter.

3. I married a man that wasn’t faithful and then divorced him, so my daughter didn’t grow up with her nuclear family.

4. I divorced my son’s dad so he isn’t growing up with his nuclear family.

5. I don’t keep my house clean enough.

6. I don’t keep track of my money well enough.

7. I keep gaining weight.

8. I got Crohn’s disease because I’m such a nervous dysfunctional person.

9. I don’t spend enough time doing things with my son and daughter.

10. I let my son play video games too much.

11. He doesn’t have enough chores.

12. I complain about the dog.

13. I create tension in the house.

14. I expect too much from DH.

15. I make DH feel criticized.

16. I let the coke run out in the fridge.

17. I have food in my freezer that we haven’t eaten yet, and I keep buying new food.

18. I don’t tend to the landscaping as well as I should.

19. I am not patient with the dog.

20. My daughter had some very difficult teenage years because of me.

21. I check my email when I’m supposed to be working.

22. I don’t do things to better the lives of people outside my small family

23. I don’t keep up with my friends enough.

24. I missed grandma’s birthday.

25. I keep focusing on things that happened 30 years ago instead of living life today.

26. I blame my mom for what my dad did.

27. I don’t want to see my mom.

28. I expect too much from my brother.

29. My behavior at home is erratic and unpredictable.

30. It’s hard to stay focused at work.

31. I spend too much money on lunch and should bring something from home more often.

32. I spend money on my hair and nails and therapy when DH isn’t spending money on extras.

33. I don’t always prepare healthy balanced meals.

34. I’m selfish and childish.

35. I want my chair all to myself.

36. I need too much.

37. I’ve ruined every family I’ve been a part of.

38. I’m not involved enough in my daughter’s schoolwork.

39. I don’t take my son on field trips or attend school functions during the day.

40. I procrastinate.

41. I haven’t done what I’m supposed to do to move my therapy along.

42. I have a cozy house with running water, electricity, plumbing, and all the amenities I could wish for, while there are so many people in the world who are uncomfortable.

43. I have an overabundance of food and I throw food away instead of eating it.

44. I don’t recycle.

45. I generate at least one garbage bag full of garbage every day.

46. I’m too distracted when interacting with the kids.

47. I want to be alone too much.

48. I selfishly remarried even though I promised myself I would never bring a man into my home until my kids were grown and gone.

Add a comment July 9, 2008

I want DH to be my daddy

Home on the weekend, feeling very anxious and upset:

What’s the matter, Missy?

I feel sick to my stomach. I want to go home.

We are home. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on.

Nobody loves me. I am too much for DH to handle. I know he’s going to leave soon. I just know it.

But I thought you wanted him gone. I don’t understand.

I don’t want him to leave. I guess I keep thinking that if he that if he’s going to leave, I should be ready. Prepared. No one is ever really going to love me or stick around no matter what. I just know it.

Well Missy, I’m here. I will stay around no matter what. I’m not going anywhere and I never will. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are a good girl. It’s ok to not be perfect, to not reach all of your goals. It’s ok to try and not quite do it right all the time. You have such a good heart Missy. You are a good girl. You and me are going to be fine no matter what happens with DH. I promise.

But I want him to stay! I want him to be my daddy and make it all better. I want him to protect me and love me and tell me everything s going to be all right. I want him to make it all better. I’m just scared. Scared and lonely and worried and no one is ever going to love me and be a good person and stick around and treat me nice and not betray me. It is never going to happen. I just know it. He should just go now. I want him gone.

Missy, I don’t think he’s going anywhere. I guess he would if we asked, but I’m not going to ask him right now. We’ll think about it. I think you’ll feel differently in the morning, once you’ve had time to calm down.

Add a comment December 19, 2007

Why do you hate the dog so much, Missy?

I don’t know. I see DH sitting on the couch right now, holding that fucking dog like she’s a baby or his lover, and it makes me sick inside. Truly sick. I feel anxious and upset and like I need to do something RIGHT NOW to make it stop. I hate that he loves that dog. I wish we never got her. I wish I had a life without another girl for DH to love.

Why does DH’s love for the dog make you feel threatened?

It just does, that’s why! Why didn’t you pick a boy dog? Why did you bring another girl into the house? I hate you!

I guess I didn’t think about it before we got her. I was thinking about how much I love my husband and how much he loves dogs. We’d already talked about how you and I feel about dogs and honestly, I thought it would be fine. I thought we’d be ships passing in the night and that he would train her properly and that her presence would be little. I was wrong. It never occurred to me to look for a boy animal rather than a girl animal. I certainly didn’t suggest the dog to hurt you or to make you feel bad.

Well I do feel bad. I hate coming home now. I want to drink or have a xanax every night now. I can’t ever relax! Whenever I think I want to sit down and have a quiet moment, THAT DOG is there. She’s either scratching or licking or chasing her tail or walking around and around and around. And if she’s not being noisy and bothersome, DH is sitting with her and stroking her like she’s ME! Like SHE’S his wife, not me. That dog makes the house stink. All the fucking furniture is fucking stinky and nasty and hairy and gross. And then he sits in OUR chair and I have to walk around waiting until he notices me and he gets up. But then he goes and sits on a couch and the FUCKER DOG sits with him and they’re making love again and I JUST HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PLACE! I WANT IT BACK THE WAY IT USED TO BE. JUST ME AND DD AND DS. NO ONE TO SCARE ME OR HURT ME OR MAKE ME FEEL BAD OR ANXIOUS. I WANT TO BE ALONE!!! WHY DID YOU GO AND GET MARRIED? AGAIN? IT’S JUST GOING TO TURN OUT HORRIBLE AGAIN. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?

I hear you, Missy. You do seem to get upset every time we’re home these days.

Ever since DH moved in. Even worse now that there’s that stupid ass dog.

You’re right. They’re not going to leave though, so we need to find a way to manage all this anxiety. DH is really a great guy. Not like Mike or EX. Not at all like them. He has never even ONCE made me suspicious that he’s lying about something. Do you realize what a big deal that is? I think we can trust him. I know you’re not ready to truly trust, but I want you to know that I think he’s one of the good ones. I don’t think he’s going to do anything to hurt us or the kids. I’ve been watching very closely and I haven’t seen anything that makes me alarmed. And you know how easy I over react! I do listen to you Missy, and I am very grateful that you pay attention to what’s going on. I want you to know that you’re safe. I’m paying attention and I take action whenever I believe there’s something threatening going on. You are safe. I want you to keep telling yourself:

I am safe.

My home is peaceful and full of love, trust, and honesty.

We’re going to be fine. DD and DS are fine. It’s ok.

Add a comment November 17, 2007

Affirmations aren’t only for Sissies

I hate affirmations. They sound goofy and like new-age insincere silliness. It is hard for me to say an affirmation with a spirit of conviction and truth. Intellectually though, I understand the value of affirmations and so I’ve come up with these, with my therapist’s help:

I give myself permission to express my emotions.

The healing process is important and I can take all the time I need.

It is ok to be me.

I have the right to say no.

I need to be loyal to myself.

My affirmations are meaningful.

I am not responsible for what happened in my family.

It is ok to speak the truth.

I am not responsible for other people’s feelings.

I am not invisible.

I do not have to pretend.

Breathe.

I will say only what I mean.

I can talk to my husband.

When I say these things to myself, Missy feels very grateful. She is happy that I do it even though it’s hard. And sometimes my husband says beautiful affirmations to me, from his heart straight to mine, and I feel such a sense of relief. Last night he gave me a huge hug and said “You are the best mother I know. You’re a great mom. You’re doing an awesome job.” Part of me argued back and said that my kids have been irreparably harmed because of me, but part of me felt comforted and safe. I guess Melisa doesn’t believe it but Missy felt happy.

Right now, I’m going to print these affirmations. I’ll take one home to tape to my bedroom wall, put one in my purse, and put another on my wall here at work. I need to say these affirmations daily to Missy, even when it’s hard to believe them.

Add a comment November 5, 2007

Conversation with Missy while I’m fighting with DH

DH and I are having an ugly fight. He’s pissed because I disciplined the dog, when he wasn’t moving fast enough for my liking. He’s right. He hollered at me that I keep interrupting him, keep criticizing him, and am doing to him what I yell at him for doing to me (not letting me handle my own interactions with the dog). He’s right again. I tell him that I am so frustrated with the dog and that he promised me we’d have a well-trained dog but he hasn’t taken any steps to train her. I am also right. But he’s really angry and after he hollers this at me, he says he’s too angry to talk and that I shouldn’t speak to him. That doesn’t feel fair to me at all. I follow him into the bedroom and tell him I can accept talking later, but not just dropping it. He snarls “later” so I leave.

I spend the next hour or so in the living room, quietly going crazy. Getting more and more upset. Hearing him snore which makes me even more angry, that I can be frantic with panic and he’s SLEEPING. It doesn’t occur to me to try and do something with myself in that moment, try to manage the problem before it gets worse. I let it build and build til I decide it’s been long enough, then I go wake him up.

More ugly arguing. I want to die. I finally, hours too late, come into the computer room and start typing. The screen is too bright and is shining on my shameful, shameful face so I turn off the monitor and type without seeing. Here’s what I wrote. I abandoned Missy and it took me most of the day today to face her and comfort her. I am still very ashamed.

September 5, 2007

I just want to die. I want to leave this stupid stupid place and never come back. I am so tired of feeling so bad all the time, feeling like a failure and such a hated person. Why would anybody ever love me? I am so worthless and stupid and honestly if he leaves then I deserve it. You know I do. There isn’t anything good about me or what I do in this world and I really need to just leave now.

Ok Missy, I hear you. I know I’ve been avoiding you, avoiding coming here with you, because its so painful. I am sorry. I know you’re lonely and are tired of being alone.

I am! I am lonely and afraid. What if he leaves?

I don’t know. If he does, then he does. There’s nothing we can do to change that. But I can promise you that we’ll be ok no matter what.

No I won’t! Never. I’m tired of being left and let down. Abandoned. Why does everyone end up being bad in the end? Aren’t there good people in the world? Where are they? I hate that he’s sleeping that he can yell at me and then just go to sleep like it’s no big deal. Why doesn’t he care that this is so hard for me? Why should he? Theses are all my own problems, existing before him. Not his fault or his problem or his responsibility to fix. I want to go in there and just punch him and make him wake up and notice me. Pay attention. I don’t want to be invisible any more. But then what do I do? I suppose he’d wake up if I made him but what then? He can’t give me what I want which is to be a different person. I’m tired of myself. Tired of being here, stuck with myself. Tired of apologizing all day every day without ever ever changing or getting better or learning how to be a good person and how to treat the people I love. I ruin everything I touch. EVERYTHING!!! It’s no wonder that he hates me. I have no idea why he’s still around. I should go. Times like this I wish I didn’t have kids so I could just fucking die and disappear and and figure out how not to exist any more.

This was the unfortunately conclusion of my conversation with Missy. I did not comfort Missy and I did not calm down. I found myself curled in a ball on the floor of our kitchen, crying hysterically. I had no coping skills. There are nights when i am inconsolable and nothing can convince me that I am worthy to continue living. Sometimes, God is merciful and DH is kind and he finds me whereever I may be. More often than not, though, he is blissfully unaware and he he sleeps.

I am not sure I can describe how I feel when I am in that state of being. There is this feeling of utter despair and hopelessness that washes over me, grief so deep that I cannot understand where it originates from. Often I will punch my legs or bash my head on the floor because the self-hatred I feel is so strong. I always find myself on the floor, in a corner of a far room in the house, or in a closet. Once I ended up in our dog’s crate. There is no rational thought in my mind at such times — I am not being dramatic, and there is no show being put on — no one is around and no one typically finds me, so it’s not as if it’s attention seeking behavior. It’s more a complete self-loathing and disgust for myself. Since I’m not a masochist, I never actually hurt myself though . . . I have thoughts of it but am much too much of a scaredy-cat to follow through, thank goodness.

On this day I let Missy down. I will be sure to listen to her before I let things to this far in the future.

Add a comment September 5, 2007

Conversation with Missy while DH is relaxing

The whole family’s home. It’s the weekend. I’m tending to chores & basically puttering around the house, and I begin to feel panicked and very upset for no apparent reason. I keep moving but keep getting more upset, and finally talked myself into stopping what I was doing and sitting down at the computer to talk to Missy and find out what was wrong. Here’s our conversation:

What’s the matter Missy? Why are you so upset?

I miss my dad.

But why is that making you cry right now and making you feel so anxious?

I’m lonely. I’m sad and upset and lonely and I don’t understand what’s wrong but I feel so horrible whenever DH is around. I want my house alone. I don’t want him here.

Why?

He just sits around. Sits sits sits and does nothing all the time. Just like dad. I hate it. Why isn’t he interested in anything? Why doesn’t he DO anything? I feel like everything he does is just to shut me up enough so he can get back to his books.

Well I know you feel that way, you’ve told him that before. But he’s his own person and can choose what he wants to do with his time.

Why did you pick someone who just sits around and does nothing? Why would you do that to me when you know how much it upsets me?

I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t a very smart thing to do. I certainly didn’t do it to upset you. I think it is ok for people to do what they want to relax. Don’t you do what you want to do, when you want to do it?

Yes I do but my way is right. People should stay busy and get stuff done. They shouldn’t sit around and do the bare minimum and leave the rest for everyone else.

Is that really what you think? How does it make you feel lonely?

I don’t know. I just do. I feel like I’m so far away from everyone else. I hate having him in this house. I want the house to myself, so I can stop feeling this way.

You want him to go?

Yes, I do. I want it back the way it used to be, me and DD and DS. I didn’t feel so upset then.

But you were still lonely weren’t you?

Yes I was, you’re right. But I’m lonely now too.

Maybe that’s not DH’ss fault. Maybe there’s something you and I have to do about it, and stop blaming DH for it. If we wanted, we could go cry on his shoulder right now and I know he’d give us a hug and some comfort.

I don’t want to.

Why?

Because I’m better off being alone anyway. Nothing good has ever come from me being with a man.

Not DD? Or DS?

Well yes, they’re good, but they’re good because I’ve been a good mom, not because their dads were in my life.

So you’re saying we should give up altogether?

I don’t know. I just feel BAD BAD BAD. No one’s gonna love me anyways in the end. It all turns out the same so what’s the difference? They all leave.

No they don’t, Missy. You and I together have made some very bad choices, haven’t we? But we’re not all bad. And DH is not all bad. He isn’t Mike, and he isn’t EX. I know he’s a loving, caring guy. Who likes to read a lot. I knew that before we got married and it was ok then. I want it to be ok now. You and me are going to be just fine. I am paying close attention to everything that happens in our life, and I am very confident that DH is a good guy. He’s not perfect. We’re not perfect. But our two choices are: trust or distrust. We’ve already taken the leap to trust . . . so let’s do that. For now. We can change our mind later if we want, if something’s scary and bad. But right now DH is just reading a book while I’m sewing, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Remember how EX was hanging off us at every second? We really hated that. You’re ok. You’re safe. DD and DS are safe. Nothing bad is happening here.

Ok. I love you.

I love you too, Missy. It’s ok.

Add a comment August 26, 2007