I feel guilty because . . .

Debbie, my therapist, mentioned during a counseling session last September that almost everything I talk about is steeped in guilt. I thought about it and she is right. I feel guilty to even exist. There are so many times in a day that I re-think whatever it is that I have just done. I dwell on minutia to a ridiculous extent and feel guilt for whatever it is that I think that I did, and then feel this anxious need somehow correct it. This often happens during conversations with other people. A small example of something that happened this week, while I was at work:

Boss: Melisa, you should have sent both of these jobs with the runner so we could have saved a fee.

Me: Well, one was due at the court yesterday so I sent that one right then. This one isn’t due til tomorrow and we didn’t have it ready yet, so that’s why it’s being sent separately. Usually you’re telling me that I shouldn’t work around the runner’s schedule! Now you’re mad because I didn’t send them both at once!

Boss: It’s not a big deal, we could’ve just saved some money. We should be thinking ahead and planning a little better.

I walked away from that little exchange and mulled it over and over in my head. I felt righteous anger because I have spent the last 3 years hearing the phrase “I won’t run my law practice based on what a runner can and can’t do!” coming out of my boss’s mouth — he’s never mentioned a fee before! We’re always doing things last minute! But the anger quickly turned to shame and guilt as I thought of the strident tone in my voice and how he has been telling me lately that I’ve been too defensive. Oh boy, I started thinking, now I’ve really messed it up! Now my boss thinks I am just wasting his money and I don’t have the firm’s best interests at heart! Now I’ve gone and done it again, opened my big fat mouth, been unpleasant and rude and hateful and embarrassed myself. I was defensive and I’m no fun to be around and I waste the firm’s money! I could not stop the voices in my head until I had found my boss and apologized, telling him that I would be sure to do a better job next time and that it certainly wasn’t my intention to be wasteful with his money.

Back in September, when Debbie mentioned my “guilt complex” she asked me to make a list of what I feel guilty about. Here’s what I started with. I stopped where I did but I could have gone on forever. The list is fresh and new every day, but I suppose these are old friends that never go away.

1. I’m alive

2. I married a man that sexually abused my daughter.

3. I married a man that wasn’t faithful and then divorced him, so my daughter didn’t grow up with her nuclear family.

4. I divorced my son’s dad so he isn’t growing up with his nuclear family.

5. I don’t keep my house clean enough.

6. I don’t keep track of my money well enough.

7. I keep gaining weight.

8. I got Crohn’s disease because I’m such a nervous dysfunctional person.

9. I don’t spend enough time doing things with my son and daughter.

10. I let my son play video games too much.

11. He doesn’t have enough chores.

12. I complain about the dog.

13. I create tension in the house.

14. I expect too much from DH.

15. I make DH feel criticized.

16. I let the coke run out in the fridge.

17. I have food in my freezer that we haven’t eaten yet, and I keep buying new food.

18. I don’t tend to the landscaping as well as I should.

19. I am not patient with the dog.

20. My daughter had some very difficult teenage years because of me.

21. I check my email when I’m supposed to be working.

22. I don’t do things to better the lives of people outside my small family

23. I don’t keep up with my friends enough.

24. I missed grandma’s birthday.

25. I keep focusing on things that happened 30 years ago instead of living life today.

26. I blame my mom for what my dad did.

27. I don’t want to see my mom.

28. I expect too much from my brother.

29. My behavior at home is erratic and unpredictable.

30. It’s hard to stay focused at work.

31. I spend too much money on lunch and should bring something from home more often.

32. I spend money on my hair and nails and therapy when DH isn’t spending money on extras.

33. I don’t always prepare healthy balanced meals.

34. I’m selfish and childish.

35. I want my chair all to myself.

36. I need too much.

37. I’ve ruined every family I’ve been a part of.

38. I’m not involved enough in my daughter’s schoolwork.

39. I don’t take my son on field trips or attend school functions during the day.

40. I procrastinate.

41. I haven’t done what I’m supposed to do to move my therapy along.

42. I have a cozy house with running water, electricity, plumbing, and all the amenities I could wish for, while there are so many people in the world who are uncomfortable.

43. I have an overabundance of food and I throw food away instead of eating it.

44. I don’t recycle.

45. I generate at least one garbage bag full of garbage every day.

46. I’m too distracted when interacting with the kids.

47. I want to be alone too much.

48. I selfishly remarried even though I promised myself I would never bring a man into my home until my kids were grown and gone.

Add a comment July 9, 2008

Why do you hate the dog so much, Missy?

I don’t know. I see DH sitting on the couch right now, holding that fucking dog like she’s a baby or his lover, and it makes me sick inside. Truly sick. I feel anxious and upset and like I need to do something RIGHT NOW to make it stop. I hate that he loves that dog. I wish we never got her. I wish I had a life without another girl for DH to love.

Why does DH’s love for the dog make you feel threatened?

It just does, that’s why! Why didn’t you pick a boy dog? Why did you bring another girl into the house? I hate you!

I guess I didn’t think about it before we got her. I was thinking about how much I love my husband and how much he loves dogs. We’d already talked about how you and I feel about dogs and honestly, I thought it would be fine. I thought we’d be ships passing in the night and that he would train her properly and that her presence would be little. I was wrong. It never occurred to me to look for a boy animal rather than a girl animal. I certainly didn’t suggest the dog to hurt you or to make you feel bad.

Well I do feel bad. I hate coming home now. I want to drink or have a xanax every night now. I can’t ever relax! Whenever I think I want to sit down and have a quiet moment, THAT DOG is there. She’s either scratching or licking or chasing her tail or walking around and around and around. And if she’s not being noisy and bothersome, DH is sitting with her and stroking her like she’s ME! Like SHE’S his wife, not me. That dog makes the house stink. All the fucking furniture is fucking stinky and nasty and hairy and gross. And then he sits in OUR chair and I have to walk around waiting until he notices me and he gets up. But then he goes and sits on a couch and the FUCKER DOG sits with him and they’re making love again and I JUST HATE YOU! I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PLACE! I WANT IT BACK THE WAY IT USED TO BE. JUST ME AND DD AND DS. NO ONE TO SCARE ME OR HURT ME OR MAKE ME FEEL BAD OR ANXIOUS. I WANT TO BE ALONE!!! WHY DID YOU GO AND GET MARRIED? AGAIN? IT’S JUST GOING TO TURN OUT HORRIBLE AGAIN. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME?

I hear you, Missy. You do seem to get upset every time we’re home these days.

Ever since DH moved in. Even worse now that there’s that stupid ass dog.

You’re right. They’re not going to leave though, so we need to find a way to manage all this anxiety. DH is really a great guy. Not like Mike or EX. Not at all like them. He has never even ONCE made me suspicious that he’s lying about something. Do you realize what a big deal that is? I think we can trust him. I know you’re not ready to truly trust, but I want you to know that I think he’s one of the good ones. I don’t think he’s going to do anything to hurt us or the kids. I’ve been watching very closely and I haven’t seen anything that makes me alarmed. And you know how easy I over react! I do listen to you Missy, and I am very grateful that you pay attention to what’s going on. I want you to know that you’re safe. I’m paying attention and I take action whenever I believe there’s something threatening going on. You are safe. I want you to keep telling yourself:

I am safe.

My home is peaceful and full of love, trust, and honesty.

We’re going to be fine. DD and DS are fine. It’s ok.

Add a comment November 17, 2007

Conversation with Missy while I’m fighting with DH

DH and I are having an ugly fight. He’s pissed because I disciplined the dog, when he wasn’t moving fast enough for my liking. He’s right. He hollered at me that I keep interrupting him, keep criticizing him, and am doing to him what I yell at him for doing to me (not letting me handle my own interactions with the dog). He’s right again. I tell him that I am so frustrated with the dog and that he promised me we’d have a well-trained dog but he hasn’t taken any steps to train her. I am also right. But he’s really angry and after he hollers this at me, he says he’s too angry to talk and that I shouldn’t speak to him. That doesn’t feel fair to me at all. I follow him into the bedroom and tell him I can accept talking later, but not just dropping it. He snarls “later” so I leave.

I spend the next hour or so in the living room, quietly going crazy. Getting more and more upset. Hearing him snore which makes me even more angry, that I can be frantic with panic and he’s SLEEPING. It doesn’t occur to me to try and do something with myself in that moment, try to manage the problem before it gets worse. I let it build and build til I decide it’s been long enough, then I go wake him up.

More ugly arguing. I want to die. I finally, hours too late, come into the computer room and start typing. The screen is too bright and is shining on my shameful, shameful face so I turn off the monitor and type without seeing. Here’s what I wrote. I abandoned Missy and it took me most of the day today to face her and comfort her. I am still very ashamed.

September 5, 2007

I just want to die. I want to leave this stupid stupid place and never come back. I am so tired of feeling so bad all the time, feeling like a failure and such a hated person. Why would anybody ever love me? I am so worthless and stupid and honestly if he leaves then I deserve it. You know I do. There isn’t anything good about me or what I do in this world and I really need to just leave now.

Ok Missy, I hear you. I know I’ve been avoiding you, avoiding coming here with you, because its so painful. I am sorry. I know you’re lonely and are tired of being alone.

I am! I am lonely and afraid. What if he leaves?

I don’t know. If he does, then he does. There’s nothing we can do to change that. But I can promise you that we’ll be ok no matter what.

No I won’t! Never. I’m tired of being left and let down. Abandoned. Why does everyone end up being bad in the end? Aren’t there good people in the world? Where are they? I hate that he’s sleeping that he can yell at me and then just go to sleep like it’s no big deal. Why doesn’t he care that this is so hard for me? Why should he? Theses are all my own problems, existing before him. Not his fault or his problem or his responsibility to fix. I want to go in there and just punch him and make him wake up and notice me. Pay attention. I don’t want to be invisible any more. But then what do I do? I suppose he’d wake up if I made him but what then? He can’t give me what I want which is to be a different person. I’m tired of myself. Tired of being here, stuck with myself. Tired of apologizing all day every day without ever ever changing or getting better or learning how to be a good person and how to treat the people I love. I ruin everything I touch. EVERYTHING!!! It’s no wonder that he hates me. I have no idea why he’s still around. I should go. Times like this I wish I didn’t have kids so I could just fucking die and disappear and and figure out how not to exist any more.

This was the unfortunately conclusion of my conversation with Missy. I did not comfort Missy and I did not calm down. I found myself curled in a ball on the floor of our kitchen, crying hysterically. I had no coping skills. There are nights when i am inconsolable and nothing can convince me that I am worthy to continue living. Sometimes, God is merciful and DH is kind and he finds me whereever I may be. More often than not, though, he is blissfully unaware and he he sleeps.

I am not sure I can describe how I feel when I am in that state of being. There is this feeling of utter despair and hopelessness that washes over me, grief so deep that I cannot understand where it originates from. Often I will punch my legs or bash my head on the floor because the self-hatred I feel is so strong. I always find myself on the floor, in a corner of a far room in the house, or in a closet. Once I ended up in our dog’s crate. There is no rational thought in my mind at such times — I am not being dramatic, and there is no show being put on — no one is around and no one typically finds me, so it’s not as if it’s attention seeking behavior. It’s more a complete self-loathing and disgust for myself. Since I’m not a masochist, I never actually hurt myself though . . . I have thoughts of it but am much too much of a scaredy-cat to follow through, thank goodness.

On this day I let Missy down. I will be sure to listen to her before I let things to this far in the future.

Add a comment September 5, 2007