I feel guilty because . . .

Debbie, my therapist, mentioned during a counseling session last September that almost everything I talk about is steeped in guilt. I thought about it and she is right. I feel guilty to even exist. There are so many times in a day that I re-think whatever it is that I have just done. I dwell on minutia to a ridiculous extent and feel guilt for whatever it is that I think that I did, and then feel this anxious need somehow correct it. This often happens during conversations with other people. A small example of something that happened this week, while I was at work:

Boss: Melisa, you should have sent both of these jobs with the runner so we could have saved a fee.

Me: Well, one was due at the court yesterday so I sent that one right then. This one isn’t due til tomorrow and we didn’t have it ready yet, so that’s why it’s being sent separately. Usually you’re telling me that I shouldn’t work around the runner’s schedule! Now you’re mad because I didn’t send them both at once!

Boss: It’s not a big deal, we could’ve just saved some money. We should be thinking ahead and planning a little better.

I walked away from that little exchange and mulled it over and over in my head. I felt righteous anger because I have spent the last 3 years hearing the phrase “I won’t run my law practice based on what a runner can and can’t do!” coming out of my boss’s mouth — he’s never mentioned a fee before! We’re always doing things last minute! But the anger quickly turned to shame and guilt as I thought of the strident tone in my voice and how he has been telling me lately that I’ve been too defensive. Oh boy, I started thinking, now I’ve really messed it up! Now my boss thinks I am just wasting his money and I don’t have the firm’s best interests at heart! Now I’ve gone and done it again, opened my big fat mouth, been unpleasant and rude and hateful and embarrassed myself. I was defensive and I’m no fun to be around and I waste the firm’s money! I could not stop the voices in my head until I had found my boss and apologized, telling him that I would be sure to do a better job next time and that it certainly wasn’t my intention to be wasteful with his money.

Back in September, when Debbie mentioned my “guilt complex” she asked me to make a list of what I feel guilty about. Here’s what I started with. I stopped where I did but I could have gone on forever. The list is fresh and new every day, but I suppose these are old friends that never go away.

1. I’m alive

2. I married a man that sexually abused my daughter.

3. I married a man that wasn’t faithful and then divorced him, so my daughter didn’t grow up with her nuclear family.

4. I divorced my son’s dad so he isn’t growing up with his nuclear family.

5. I don’t keep my house clean enough.

6. I don’t keep track of my money well enough.

7. I keep gaining weight.

8. I got Crohn’s disease because I’m such a nervous dysfunctional person.

9. I don’t spend enough time doing things with my son and daughter.

10. I let my son play video games too much.

11. He doesn’t have enough chores.

12. I complain about the dog.

13. I create tension in the house.

14. I expect too much from DH.

15. I make DH feel criticized.

16. I let the coke run out in the fridge.

17. I have food in my freezer that we haven’t eaten yet, and I keep buying new food.

18. I don’t tend to the landscaping as well as I should.

19. I am not patient with the dog.

20. My daughter had some very difficult teenage years because of me.

21. I check my email when I’m supposed to be working.

22. I don’t do things to better the lives of people outside my small family

23. I don’t keep up with my friends enough.

24. I missed grandma’s birthday.

25. I keep focusing on things that happened 30 years ago instead of living life today.

26. I blame my mom for what my dad did.

27. I don’t want to see my mom.

28. I expect too much from my brother.

29. My behavior at home is erratic and unpredictable.

30. It’s hard to stay focused at work.

31. I spend too much money on lunch and should bring something from home more often.

32. I spend money on my hair and nails and therapy when DH isn’t spending money on extras.

33. I don’t always prepare healthy balanced meals.

34. I’m selfish and childish.

35. I want my chair all to myself.

36. I need too much.

37. I’ve ruined every family I’ve been a part of.

38. I’m not involved enough in my daughter’s schoolwork.

39. I don’t take my son on field trips or attend school functions during the day.

40. I procrastinate.

41. I haven’t done what I’m supposed to do to move my therapy along.

42. I have a cozy house with running water, electricity, plumbing, and all the amenities I could wish for, while there are so many people in the world who are uncomfortable.

43. I have an overabundance of food and I throw food away instead of eating it.

44. I don’t recycle.

45. I generate at least one garbage bag full of garbage every day.

46. I’m too distracted when interacting with the kids.

47. I want to be alone too much.

48. I selfishly remarried even though I promised myself I would never bring a man into my home until my kids were grown and gone.

Add a comment July 9, 2008