I am untrustworthy

I have been afraid. I started this blog thinking that perhaps my experiences could help someone else. After making a few posts public, however, I got cold feet. What made me think that anything I had to say would be useful to someone else? What if people judged me? I’m such a messed up person, maybe I would make things worse rather than better in the world. I felt ashamed for even having the idea and decided there isn’t anything worthwhile to be gained from speaking out. I envisioned myself continually checking to see if anyone out there was reading and the devastation I would feel that absolutely no one is listening. I also envisioned many people reading what I wrote and making hurtful comments. That people would hear but still not care. So I tucked the I’ll-make-a-blog idea into the back of my mind, ashamed that I don’t have the stones to do what I want to do.

Today I was reading the March 2009 Oprah magazine and the articles about trust. My aha! moment was realizing that I don’t trust anyone any more. I suppose I knew that in a simplistic sense but I hadn’t realized how pervasive my distrust is and exactly how much I have lost by nurturing that distrust. I hold my husband at arm’s length because I don’t trust him to understand me, to respond to me in a helpful way, or to not be repulsed by what he learns about me if I do open up. I don’t trust that my close friends are interested in me and that they enjoy my company. I don’t trust my children to be happy and healthy and whole, because I know it is flawed me that is raising them. When I feel the blossoming of hope when the opportunity for a new friendship presents itself,  I don’t trust myself to hide my history and I don’t trust that, if I do open up a bit, the potential friend will refrain from judging me and my decisions. I now operate on a solely defensive strategy to get through my days.

It is lonely here.

Sometimes the ache in my heart and in the pit of my stomach feels so yawningly deep that I fear I will never feel anything else. Most of the time I go through the motions of life and it is rare that my authentic self makes an appearance these days. The article by Martha Beck, Who’s Never Going to Let You Down, helped me realize that I lie all the time, to myself and to everyone around me. The embarrassment that I feel over my true thoughts and feelings manifests itself in my constant self-censoring. I know the way that I wish I was and I try, all day long, to project that thing-I-wish-I-was as ME and to mask the actual reality of myself. At work, I want to be calm, collected, efficient and mature. Sometimes I am but often I am clenching my teeth, doing deep-breathing exercises, and reminding myself of what I want to project to others. At home, I am not well controlled in my emotions but I am still very closed in and withdrawn. I approach my true self at times when I am with my children, but even then it is only sporadic. With my daughter especially, I am always very actively trying to give her everything a young woman needs from her mother while not overstepping my boundaries. Is that authentically me? I don’t know. It is my authentic wish to give her what I give her, but often it does not come naturally. In fact, as I sit here and reflect, there is little that I do that comes naturally. Mostly I’m trying, trying, trying to be who I am not. I don’t think I can learn to trust others until I am trustworthy.

I am stopping today. Today I am who I am. Unpredictable, worried, grieving, lazy, determined, uptight, passionate, silly, too serious. I am all those things and many, many more. What I will be no longer is a liar.

Add a comment May 8, 2009